Old boyfriends….. SIGH!!!
Post divorce, my first
date was with my boyfriend from senior year in college which was of course, 5 years before that date. Yeah,
right!, How about almost 30 years? Do you think that I looked the same? The
good thing is that we had kept in touch intermittently so we both knew that we
had not stayed the same.
I had been separated and
divorced for over a year but had not been on one date. Wasn't ready for the
whole doo doo dance and quite frankly, was still licking my wounds from my
scorched earth marriage and divorce. Also, I was absolutely not telling my
adolescent kids that I was even dating.
It was tricky but they
had no need to know and I had no desire to make them part of the process. Many
women disagree and parade a countless array of guys in front of their kids. Can
you imagine, “mommy has new boyfriend and another new boyfriend and
another…how’s about NO?
Do yourself a HUGE favor:
DON’T do it. Just saying or don’t until you’re actually a couple. THREE
dates does not make a couple. More on 3rd dates at another time. My
daughters did not meet anyone I dated until they were in college. Ok, I am
overprotective. Sue me.
Anyway, back to my first
date. For some reason, I was sitting at my desk one day, working, not really
and thought of this guy. I had his office phone and with shaking hands, NOT
KIDDING, I picked up the phone and called.
Almost hung up when I
heard his voice but thankfully, that little voice in my head, in my case the
very loud, shrill inner voice said, dummy, take a shot and so I mumbled hello
and off we went conversing as if no time had passed. Coincidentally, and legit,
I really didn't know, his marriage had crashed and burned, too, although, he
hadn't gone through the whole process yet. Now, hold that thought, I will get
to it.
No sooner did he say that
he was "free", we were planning dinner at the Union Square Cafe.
Great, I said to myself what in hell was I going to wear? After discarding
nearly every article of clothing I owned, I finally settled on understated and
FABULOUS. Was there any other choice? Since I am all about making an entrance,
I came in after he had been seated. I made one hell of an entrance.
.He
still looked good really good. Never classically handsome but way cute and sexy
with a delicious twinkle in his eye and a smile that could make one's heart
melt and you got the picture. Picture Robert De Niro circa Godfather 2 plus 15
years without the guns. Be still my heart.
Sitting over dinner, we
chatted about the usual things: kids, life, work. No discussion of my ex and
his "almost" ex.
+++Rule 1-first or even
5th dates are not the time to list every grievance you had with your ex. Why
bring up a bad meal? Plus, it really is not interesting conversation and one
risks sounding like a miserable harpy. If you are a misery to be around, work
on it before you venture on your first date.
Being with Steve was
comfortable and scintillating. We were able to jump over the "getting to
know you" part of the menu. We had already been on hundreds of dates. Ok,
it was 30 years ago but let’s not nit pick.
It was intoxicating
and so damn fun. He was funny and he
thought that I was the funniest person he had ever met. Smart guy.
Additionally, he thought
I was POSITIVELY NO HOLDS BARRED, FABULOUS. Did I hear gorgeous, anyone??
Earlier, on way to our 1st date, I was
trying to figure out how to iron my face before I got to the restaurant. I
prayed for ambient lighting. Luckily, he didn't see the current me but rather
the young girl whom he had fallen in love with in college. Ditto for me. He was
crazy about me a gazillion years ago and apparently, it hadn't worn
off. Could I pass out now just writing this??
++++Rule 2: if you
get to choose where you are meeting for that oh so special first date and even
if it's an old BF, who knows you, do yourself a huge favor and please
pick a place where you will look positively incandescent as opposed to green
under hideous bright lights where every wrinkle and flaw is visible.
We sat and talked for
hours and when he kissed me goodbye, I almost plotzed. He was a world class
awesome kisser plus, I hadn’t been kissed in years and certainly not like this.
I had to get going to begin the epic
poem of getting home to NJ. For once, I didn’t whine about being in the bus as
I just sat there in la la land going over the date for an hour as I knew when I
got home, it was back to mommy land and trying to remember what story I had
told my 2 delicious dollies about where I was that night.
Before I got home, he
called me to tell me what a great time it was and when were we going to see one
another again. Had to figure out my next lie to my kids so didn’t set-up the
next date until the following morning.
Right now, I cannot
remember where we went the 2nd time other than it was a very
romantic place in Soho. Quite frankly, it could have been McDonald’s with great
wine and soft lighting. Who cared about food?
That part of the evening
went by in a blur. Yes, I was acting like a besotted 20 year old and damn did
if feel great. Without missing a beat and in a way that didn’t make me have a
complete panic attack, he suggested that we go back to his apartment, which was
actually the apartment he grew up in and had inherited from his parents. I
demurred as it just felt too weird.
If felt too much like
déjà vu all over again. Kudos to yogi for that expression.
Next thing we are at the
Gansevoort which btw, is blissfully dark. Ok, the Gansevoort: we brought up the
median age by at least 20 years but who cared. As we got into the elevator I
started to feel like i was going to pass out. Was I really going to get
undressed in front of someone who knew me when I was 22?? Now mind you, I was a
chubster in college but young is young. I had held up well and was much thinner
but geez, I had had 2 babies and eaten
my way through many decades. Whose body was this? It’s still something I
ask myself on a daily basis.
While I was
hyperventilating in the bathroom, he had ordered up a bottle of excellent
champagne. I sorted through outfit choices in the bathroom. I tried on the
shower curtain but there wasn’t enough coverage. Where was my burka when I
needed it? Oyyy, now what was I going to
do? I came out of the bathroom tripping over the three towels and the bathrobe
that I so elegantly wrapped around myself. Charming.
After my initial hysteria
and 2 glasses of dom, i got over myself. Kids, it was like time had stood
still. Always fabulous, he had gotten better with age. Is that even possible? I
NEVER wanted to go home but kids, job etc beckoned me.
Side bar: Thomas Wolfe
said you can’t go home again and there is some truth to that but home it was,
except not in his mother’s apartment and it was delightful.
What followed can only be
described as a true love affair We were crazy about each other all over again
except this time, it was even better. We acted like kids and it was pure
unadulterated bliss.
Not long after we started
seeing one another, my kids went away to camp. Now, I love my kids more than
anything but FREEDOM and no sneaking around and lying. He came and stayed at my
house and I cooked glorious meals for him. Nothing beat it.
Of course, reality came
mid August when the kids came home but I
had missed them and was thrilled to have them home and hell, what was bad about
going to every gorgeous hotel in NYC? Yup, I still hadn’t gotten over the old
apartment thing. Mind you, it was lovely with a gorgeous East river view but for whatever mishegas(cup of
crazy for those not familiar with Yiddish, that old apartment had too many
ghosts.
This man wrote me love
letters or should I say love emails? OMG, just thinking about them now, I get
weak at the knees. It’s hard for many to just say those 3 little words; “I love
you”. Well, blissfully, not this guy. I had hit the motherlode and I was beyond
happy.
For over a year, we both
walked around with a perpetual smile on our faces. With his kids and my kids
and jobs, we didn’t get to see each other as often as we would have liked but
that made every time together more precious.
Well, my friends, be
still my heart, around the bend was a big fat problem about which I was totally
unaware. In retrospect, there were some hints but I chose to ignore them. Of
course, I did. Reality was not going to spoil my buzz.
By this time, of course,
we knew all about each other’s kids and much of the details about our
unsatisfactory marriages and my shit storm of a divorce. He never mentioned any
details about his separation, which I should have taken as a warning sign but
NAH, as above, reality is highly overrated.
One of the things that I
most adored about him amongst many was his unabashed love for his daughters. His
mother’s apartment was a few blocks away from his girls and he saw them several
times a week. A man who is devoted to his kids is a man we all want to love.
We were sitting at lunch
one day and next thing I know, he is crying about his kids and how much he
missed being a part of their everyday lives. Unlike my usual loquacious self, I
listened until he was done. All the while willing him silently to STOP. The
last thing he said nearly blew me out of my seat. All I can say is it was good
that we were in a public place as it held me together. He announced that he was
moving back home because of the kids. Did he love me as I loved him? Without
question but he needed to be with his kids. I tried to talk to him about it but
clearly, this was not a decision that could be changed by the cajoling queen.
We hurriedly settled the
check and came out into the blaring sunlight of Broadway/38th
Street. For once, I wasn't obsessed with lighting. I had to not freak out
because in those days, I was bound to run into several people I knew from my
industry on the street so sobbing hysterically and holding onto his leg
(figuratively) while trying not to vom was not a plan.
He hugged and kissed me
goodbye and literally I felt like I was going to drop dead on the spot. We
actually did see one another a few times after this because neither one of us
was prepared to say goodbye. The last time, this man kissed me goodbye is
something I will never forget.
Clearly, I was
devastated. The good thing is that I had 2 kids for whom I was totally
responsible so going to pieces was not an option plus they had no clue about
Steve and I and I was in in mood to do a post mortem of this relationship with
my kids. Actually, almost no one knew about it. Yup, old blabbermouth can be
very secretive and private.
Thankfully, I am
resilient so I pushed myself through what I was feeling. Spent a lot of time in
the bathroom with the shower on sobbing into a towel but I got threw it.
Was I happy that I had
taken the leap with this man as my first foray into the world of being a middle
aged single woman? NOT EVEN A QUESTION. As a matter of fact, I would do it
again, even knowing the outcome was not going to be what I wanted. I was lucky
to have found him when I did. Also, it reminded me that I not only could love
someone but could be loved back.
Moral of the story: if
you have some old boyfriend, look him up, as you never know. Keep your eyes and
heart open.
Next stop after this was
on line dating. Of course, it took me over a year to jump in. Talking about
reality testing. UGH!
BTW, very recently, my oh
so clever eldest daughter, turned to me at dinner and said, who was Steve or
some such thing. So much for lying to one's kid. How in hell did she know? It was the stone age. We talked on a LANDLINE
and she listened on the extension. Gotta love her
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