Relationships: who said that and do I hear FWB? Chapter 1


Relationships can take on many forms and they change over time or turn into something else. Whatever it is, if it works, it's wonderful. Because we are all human and have emotions that often defy logic, things can sometimes get a tad complicated. Let's just say FWB has its own specific form of holy gee!

This is the story of how "dating" turns into a "relationship" and then morphs into another entirely different situation. Are you still with me? This is a story that begs to be told. BTW, the quotes are there for a reason that you will at some point, understand.

After dating Mr. Toys r Us, I literally did not go on a date for 4 years. That length of time gives new meaning to drought. 

How stupid is that? The answer: VERY! Geez, what could I have been thinking? Oh wait, I wasn’t.

On the shelf was I,  until one day, I  woke up out of my self induced torpor, declared to myself and to eli, my dog, that it's enough already! GET MOVING GIRL!!
Carpe diem, tempus fugit and all that jazz.
Also, i got a good look in the mirror and saw that tick tock tick tock my face was falling. Geez and yes, the botox is nice but who in hell was that woman in the mirror?

Right around the time of this epiphany, I decided to do an old people lalapalooza: visit my 97 year old father and then visit my 92 year old uncle on the same day. Who does that? Someone who likes torture, apparently.

My father was his usual piss and vinegar charming self during our visit. BTW, whomever coined that phrase clearly knew my father. I left nj thinking, damn you look great! Dear Dad was never one to give compliments. his biggest accolade when asked, how do I look was "not bad". DID YOU EVER??? I happened to be wearing a funky colored pair of pants with equally out of the box sneakers. Why the hell not? 
One doesn't have to give up having fun with clothes as one ages. Now this covers looking age appropriate yet fresh, modern and still  cool. Please spare me the women who wear the same jeans that their 20 year old daughters do. Even if you are in great shape, NO to that. It only makes you look older and sort of meh. Just sayin.

Back to dad: we had a really nice visit. As I was kissing him goodbye, he thanked me for coming and then told me that my pants were ugly and that I should throw out my sneakers. Lovely, as always. Years before, I had literally tormented him into saying I love you to my kids and to me when we left. God, he hated that as he didn't "go in for that kind of thing".  Anyway,  after mumbling the required "I love you, he looked at me very carefully and said, "you don't look bad for an old lady but you better hurry up before no one wants you." Alrighty then, I turned and flew out of the room as if my tush was on fire barely missing knocking over an old lady with her walker. Very nice. 

I cursed all the way to my uncle's house as the last thing that I needed was a cup of him. To put it mildly, he was difficult and had absolutely no filter. We went to dinner and after 2 scotches, him not me, was going to say what he wanted which was "wow, you're an old broad. What are you waiting for ?" Geez, get me out of here. Practically threw him into the car and dumped him off at his house because I was a woman on a mission.

Get that profile up on a dating site. STAT!!! I had never been on match so I figured wth, why not try it. I polished up my pithy, little and oh so charming  profile and added pics and I was ready to roll. 

Started dating almost immediately and it was fun and I was really enjoying myself. No one hit the right notes but I was determined to find a nice menschy guy who did not have a room full of toys in his bedroom. 

Marty and I had our first one drink wine date and I liked him. He was clever, had great style, was funny, cute and super charming.  There was definitely chemistry. Wow. We walked to the subway and he kissed me goodbye. VERY excellent kisser. OK, good, am thinking he better call me again and he did. 

We spoke on the phone a few times, something which later on he informed me was not his style. He was a text guy but whatever. Next date was just fabulous and I was hooked, really hooked. Next thing I knew, we were  in his apartment and a bell went off in my head. HOLY, SHIZZ, I am wearing the ugliest most disgusting pair of panties in the world. No way in hell was I showing them to anyone. I demurred and said, I can't do this not for any other reason  other than my duane reade,  I haven't done wash in weeks, last pair of clean panties  issue.  He looked at me like my head was on fire. I was appalled but too busy reveling in the fact that not only was he smooth he was an extraordinary lover.  OK, yes, it had been 4 years, Godzilla would have been great but this was legit AMAZING!

We fell into a "relationship" because we enjoyed many of the same things, made each other laugh and the horizontal cha cha was out of this world. I actually told him that I thought that I had foreclosed sex totally out of my life, UH UH. It's like riding a bike and boy, what a ride!

He was Mr. Entertainment in terms of finding great things to do and we explored and went to places to which I had never been  There were issues that I should have paid more attention to but didn't cuz hell I was alive again and having such a good time on every level.

But and here we go, the buts. He was very critical and tried to get me to fit into a box that wasn't my size. Corrected the way I spoke, told me to use less yiddishisms, things like that. No biggies but very annoying. I am who I am said popeye Ellen to myself, of course. We started double dating with  my friends and he didn't like any of them as they were partyiers and he was a little bit of a tight ass but again whatever. He was an observer not a participant and judgemental but WHATEVER. At one point, he told me that I was exhausting and that was no compliment but I stuck. Clearly, I had been bewitched or something.  To his point, I can be a little how can one say it, over the top, but that's because I'm a passionate person but that's not everyone's flavor. 

I went off match about 3 months into dating Marty. We were stuck at his brother's house during sandy and I  was apparently having an episode or possibly a TIA  and blurted out that I had seen him on match and wasn't I his girlfriend and I thought he was my boyfriend. That was all said in one breath which is why it's written that way.  First, what was my problem and god dammit what was his? OK,  hold that thought right there, can someone come up with a better choice other than boyfriend/girlfriend at this point in our lives? What were we 16? Note to self: need to work on that!!!

He was shocked by my question and said he hadn't thought about it and yes, he was still on match but wasn't dating anyone else. HELLO, this should have been my time to exit as this wasn't going to work but......I was crazy about him and yes, he liked me but we were not in the same place.

This was going to be an oy but I just couldn't leave. I moved back to the city and was over the moon happy to be back and out of suburban hell. Marty came and helped me on moving day. He was a really nice guy, wasn't he? Yes, he was and that I truly do mean. 

On a miserable March day, he called me. By now, I knew that he was  not from the callers and asked if I was going to be home later as he wanted to talk.  This sounded NOT good, Geez astute observation, El.  I got into my bed with my favorite bottle of red, the dog and the remote and awaited his call. The only thing I wasn't doing was sucking my thumb. I knew that he was calling to break up with me and sure enough he was. He was kind but he said that we were too different and even though he really liked me I wasn't the girl for him. I had a crying fit tantrum and said a few very bitchy things and hung up on him. I actually felt badly as I knew that I had hurt his feelings, however, in reality, I felt worse for myself. 

I wondered around my apartment weeping and acting as if I had just been widowed but hell, we were connected, weren't we?  This was tough really tough and I have to say sorry kids for the cliche, on some very visceral level,  my heart was broken. The next day, I didn't go to work  but lied rolled up in a  ball on my bed, fundamentally, catatonic.  This  behavior lasted for several weeks but then I polished up my profile and I was back on the sites. I think that I met some nice guys but I  wasn't rocking it. All those first date job interviews with cocktails. UGH, Lot of work and I already had one job.

The logical part of me kept telling myself that this guy wasn't for you, it's better this way. The brat part of me was shut up inner voice, I'm not happy stop interrupting my misery.

Never a great sleeper I was even worse than usual. One night am lying in my bed and boing, this great idea came into my head. How's about friends with benefits with Marty?? Positively genius! 
*****I  called one of my dearest male friends who was also a major boyfriend in my life when i was young . We had remained dear friends. without  benefits and this guy knew me better than I knew me. I told him about the FWB idea. Now, he had already lived through the seven stages of cuckoo crazy after Marty dumped me. He emailed me back with" FUHGEDDABOUTIT. When it ends and it will, it will be torture." I thanked him for his opinion and then of course, did the exact opposite thing.

I texted Marty telling him that I had a proposition for him and would he call me.  He did and I gave him the bones of FWB. I thought that he had a coronary as there was literally dead silence. Oh shit, i killed the poor bastard. Nah, he was just blown away and intrigued.

Sidebar: He repeatedly said to me over the course of the 8 months that we dated that he couldn't believe how fabulous sex was with me and how uninhibited and just damn fabulous I was. Plus, I was funny and smart, pretty and even though I drove him crazy sometimes, I was terrific company. I knew all that, didn't I?  I was not surprised when he said OK. Now, Marty in spite of being part of my generation had somehow missed the whole loosey goosey 70's by getting married way too young so had never done anything even remotely like this. Guess what, neither had I. To say this was unchartered territory would be a mild understatement.

Now there were some rules. We were FWB, after all, which meant that of course, we would still be shopping for a significant other. If that special someone was found by either one of us, then we would stay friends but just friends. And of course, now remember this part, we were going to be thrilled when one of us found someone special. In the back of my mind, I thought, it damn well better be me who finds someone first. Very nice and again, oh so very mature.

And we were off  back to our usual shenanigans in the bedroom and running around Manhattan having a great time unencumbered by "relationship"  issues. We were best buds who happened to have awesome mindblowingly fabulous sex together and just plain enjoyed each other and had that easy comfort that really good friends have with one another. 

On that note, my friends, I will leave you in suspense as this post can't be done in one sitting. Stay tuned for part 2. Trust me it gets more "interesting" and more complicated and then less so than more so and....Stay tuned!



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