The 3rd date rule aka this has to be a joke
Rules, rules and the infamous 3rd date rule aka are you kidding me?
If you've just begun the process of dating or you're knee deep into it, you have by now discovered some of it's more annoying "rules" and general oddities. Dating is not for sissies of that you can be sure.
First question: who made these rules? Who would have actually spent the time to create rules that are not only mostly stupid but also, ridiculous. Why didn't I think of these rules? Maybe I should write a book about not following the rules.
Second: I've never been a huge fan of rules. As soon as I hear there's some preposterous rule, I look to break it or at the very least ignore and ultimately circumvent it. The "just because" dating rules connotes the "because you have to". At this point, none of us should have to do anything that smells like stink which these rules do. The just because is sort of like when your mother would say, you have to do something and when you asked why, she would invariably respond, or if she was my mother scream because I said so. It didn't work when I was 10 and certainly not at this point.
You've gone out on many nice first dates and thought that first date would lead to second date and often it does. Other times and this is not only perplexing but infuriating, the guy seems to be totally enthralled and guess what? You never hear from him again and you can't figure out why. This charming thing has a name: Ghosting, being ghosted. Whatever way you put it, the end result is that he found a better flavor. Isn't that special? Now, when this does happen and this is one awesome guy, you figure ok, he just didn't get how fabulous I am plus he prob has 100's of women running after him. When the guy is in your quasi reject pile, it's like WTH? This guy should be licking my boots, figuratively, of course, :)
Months later, the ghoster often resurfaces, having exhausted his first string of ladies. Laughingly, ghoster is surprised when you don't even remember who he is. Why keep someone in your head who blew you off and now wants back in. PASS but thanks for the concept of a do over, another thing we learned eons ago but generally refers to childhood games and not life.
If I am on a first date and I sense that it's not going to go anywhere, I send a polite text thanking guy for the date and saying in an oh so nice way, that we aren't a match. Took me a long time to be able to do that but I've mastered it. The good thing about on line dating is if someone doesn't get the hint, one can block the person. PHEW.
This past summer I went out with Geoffrey. He seemed pleasant enough and I was looking forward to our first date. We had a good time, alright he was an east side supremacist ++and definitely full of himself but there are far more heinous offenses. Hold that thought!
+++an east side supremacist: for those uninitiated to this type are people who think that there is nothing more to manhattan other than their little cloistered 20+ block piece of "heaven". Narrow minded to the max. These are the guys who go to the same restaurant and wouldn't dream of trying anything new. Real exciting. Can we all say BORING in unison?
Back to Geoff, we had an ok evening, a serviceable first kiss, definitely better than awful and I figured if he asked me out again, WTH, I would go. Shortly after that, he called and we made another date for a Sunday afternoon. It was high summer and hot as hell but he suggested a picnic at a park right in my neighborhood that I had never even heard of. Kudos to him for planning so instead of pitching a whinerama about heat etc., I said sure. I was so shocked that he was willing to come up to the DMZ aka as anything above 96th street and on the dreaded west side. Geoff was starting to look a little more interesting and less limited.
I don't do boring but Geoff was stepping out of his box so yay. Maybe he wasn't such a fuddy duddy after all. Someone who doesn't want to have adventures is someone who probably is not adventurous in any other way. Get my drift?
First mistake: I told him to meet me at my apartment building. Because my doormen only do their jobs 2 weeks before Christmas, the doorman didn't even ring me but just sent him up.
I was less than amused as I don't have someone to my home until I feel comfortable with that person. Geoff was ok but there was something that seemed a tad shady about him. He jumped me as he walked in and I laughed it off and told him to take a breath or go home. This was not a great start to the second date. Do i look like I have a pork chop around my chest that beckons "come and get it"? NO!!! Am I flattered by this kind of "ardor"? NOT AT ALL!!
Having earlier asked him what I could bring, he said that he had it covered. We stopped at a liquor store for a rose to go with our "picnic". I realized quickly that Geoff operated on 2 levels high, very high or somewhat ossified.
The picnic turned out to be whatever he had left laying around in his fridge. Gagalicious and yes, I am very particular about food but I would have been happy with cheese, some good bread, fruit and the rose, Tried to be open minded. Note to self, don't try so damn hard. If someone gives you dreck to eat. Dreck is dreck. For those not familiar: dreck is shit. Excuse the vulgarity.
Second dates are often the date where the man feels the need to give you a complete unabridged version of his life, accomplishments only and of course, my fave, the ex was a "bitch" speech. Most of what good old Geoff was saying practically put me to sleep.
The stuff about the ex could very well have been true but why was I hearing it? 2nd date totally TMI. 2nd date is still getting to know you material. While his monologue was being recited he smoked some weed. I thought that an "adult" getting high in a park where there were kids around was not cool. He also got very handsy the more stoned he got and I was not feeling so moved particularly after the apartment hello AKA how are you and let's get naked.
I cut short the date, ordered an uber and dropped him off at the subway and went home.
What possessed me to even think of going out with him again? I have no clue. Heat stroke, curiosity, stupidity, boredom or a combination thereof. MY BAD!
About a week later, he called and asked to go out on a Tuesday night. I suggested sushi and he said he only went to one sushi restaurant in his hood. Since I really didn't care much about his UES snobbery, i told him enough with the UES, let's step out of the box and oh wow, go to the UWS. GEEZ, rigid much?
We meet and he's not happy because he didn't make the choice. I am now realizing, why am i here as he was starting to REALLY get on my nerves. Geez, Ellen. What happened to following that inner voice.??? Even my inner voice was pissed at me for being so dumb.
Geoff was in rare form and by halfway through the dinner, he was plastered. I wanted to leave but, hell why should I leave my fabulous sushi?? Also, even though he had been rude, am not a fan of being rude back and was trained always to have good manners.
Damn those manners which had been drilled into my head by the commandant and his sidekick, my father and my mother.
He ordered way way too much wine and was very insulted that I didn't want all of it. Anyway, since it was a "school" night, I was anxious to go home ALONE. He walked me out so I could wait for uber and before I could react, his tongue was performing an examination of my tonsils! and he had somehow morphed into a creature with a death like grip and definitely more hands than 2. UGH. If i needed my throat examined, I would go to the ENT. I extricated myself from his iron vise grip. Where was that damn car and why wasn't Geoff going away???
One would thing that the guy would take the hint but not good old Geoff. The car finally pulls up and he gets in with me and declares that he is going home with me!!!!! SAY WHAT???
Now, gloves were off, he launched into a tirade that what in hell was I thinking that this was the 3rd date and 3rd date meant he had the "RIGHT" to have sex with me. After all he had bought me dinner. Big woop. Thanks to the quick thinking uber driver, good old Geoff was bodily removed from the car. I was more grossed out than anything else.
So is this the first time that I felt like i was being ogled like i had a pork chop around my throat. Of course not but geez, this was aggressive and the idea of some kind of entitlement by virtue of having taken someone out 3 times just blew my mind.
No more Geoff, no loss but it did precipitate me to do some research amongst my friends both male and female. Yup, 3rd date rule is apparently written in stone. Well, not on my stone!
One woman told me a rather comical story. She invited a man up to her apartment after the 3rd date for a drink. She liked him but she wasn't ready to sleep with him. Well , he had other plans. Apparently, he assumed that he was going to get a dessert that she wasn't planning on serving so without asking, he popped a viagra. She came out of her kitchen with nice bottle of wine and some fruit and there he was up and ready to go. She freaked and told him to go and he became irate and then downright atrocious because after all this was the 3rd date and what was he going to do with this "issue" he now had? The best part, as she put it, was why would this guy be so willing to show his shortcomings. PUN intended.
She managed to disengage herself from him and get him out of her apartment. All the while, he is ranting about what he was going to do with his raging erection? By now, she is laughing at him which under normal circumstances would have dispatched his "issue" but it takes more than a bruised ego when one is chemically enhanced. What he did with his "problem" after he got unceremoniously thrown out of her apartment, no one knows and no one cares. When she told me this story, she was laughing so much that she was literally crying. The imagery just kept her and I chuckling for quite awhile.
Variations of this story abounded. Now, if you meet someone on the first date and you decide you're really into him and want to have sex right away. GO YOU!!! but for it to be expected, absolutely NOT!
So what's the takeaway? Know your audience. If the guy seems like a gentleman who will be respectful and you feel comfortable with him why not have him up to your apartment even if you're not ready to have sex with him. The flip side is if he appears just a little too ardent coupled with belligerent and you are not turned onto him, DO NOT ASK HIM UP TO YOUR APARTMENT and don't go to his. As a matter of fact, lose him.
One expects this kind of behavior from a horny 10th grader but from a grown man???? So much for rules that are written by horny man boys.