FWB/Breaking up is hard to do, Chapter 2

Where did I leave off? I must say that most of these posts have been relatively easy to write but this one has been one of the hardest. So many thoughts clanging around in my head that I am afraid that when I stand closely to someone in the subway, they can hear the banging going on inside my skull.
Or perhaps, it's the noise of my thighs rubbing together as I walk which I am positively convinced is a real thing and really loud. LOL

Anyway, back to Marty and me. We were friends and doing what friends did which was to hang out on weekends doing the usual culture vulture things, the occasional party and continuing our fabulous sex life without those pesky emotional entanglements. We were each other's best friends plus...

About 4 years ago, I started seriously dating a man whom I knew from college. He was/is fabulous and incredibly smart and makes me laugh plus he can cook, plays a mean piano and is a member of a rock and roll band. What could be bad? Most importantly, he made me feel safe which is that inescapably wonderful feeling that one gets in a "real" relationship. He probably is one of the kindest people whom I know.
When I told Marty about Mr. "Right", he was beyond gracious something I told him that I would  never be if the roles were reversed. HOLD that thought. 

It was terrific being with Rob but there were definite bumps in this romance and perhaps, if I did not have my fail safe, I would have worked harder. Who knows? Periodically, I beat myself up over the demise of that relationship as there was no big bang but more a fizzle. Never good to look back over your shoulder second guessing your decisions as all you get is a stiff neck and incredible agita. 

After 6 months my relationship with Rob was over and  I was back doing my thing with Marty but of course, once again still shopping for the "one". Another vomitus expression. The one should be used for the house that you find that you buy or that great dress that you must have so all your friends will be jealous. It really shouldn't be used with reference to a person. Just sayin. 

The Marty/Ellen show continued on for another 4 1/2 years. I started telling him that if we didn't find anyone by the time we were really old, because weren't we still young, we could be together. I would be his Sadie and he would be my Seymour. Often mistaken in restaurants for the bickering long married couple, this little delusion worked or should I say it did for me.

Magical thinking, ABSOFINLUTELY! 

BTW, we never discussed our dates. His rule but since I had dictated the earlier rules in our then new world, I acquiesced on this one. I would have been happy to talk about the dates but he didn't want to know anything. He admitted that it made him feel jealous?, which is exactly what I would have felt if I knew about his dates but typical Gemini I was so damned curious.

Anyway, about 9 months ago, Marty, an avid cyclist, was in my neighborhood having just finished a very long bike ride. He suggested that I come down and say hi. I took Eli and walked over to the little red lighthouse, one of my favorite spots in Manhattan. It's peaceful and just lovely and only good things happened there. More magical thinking. 

We started chatting but there was something off and then there it was. He had  met a woman and he wanted to pursue a relationship with her. Why I was shocked and felt blindsided is beyond me. It's that damn magical thinking.

I stomped  off in tears and when I looked back, Marty looked so hurt because why was his bff acting like a teenage girl who had just been jilted.

Anyway, I walked back to my building all the while talking to Eli telling him that on some level, he truly was the only man who had never disappointed me etc etc not too rational but geez, I was feeling anything but rational.

Thankfully, the LRL is a few block walk back to my building so I had my cryerama and was able to pull it back together so my doorman wouldn't  think I had been mugged. OY

Now picture that initial break-up that you read about in Chapter 1 and multiply it by 100 and it still wouldn't hit it. 

I was losing my best friend because he was going to fall in love with this woman and we wouldn't be us anymore, whatever us was.  By the time, I got home and figured he was home, I called and tiraded that he ruined one of my favorite NYC spots and on and on. Did I mention that I was happy for him, maybe begrudgingly. Not nice but what can I tell you? I knew that I had accurately predicted my reaction. I really was happy for him but....

Another thing, I realized that this was the longest "relationship" that I had with a man in years. OK, it wasn't a relationship but it was, nope it wasn't, yes it was. I went through emotional whiplash and there was no cervical collar that was going to fix it. 

What followed can only be described as a time of mourning for me. If sack cloth and ashes were in vogue and it made me look thinner, I would have donned them. No kidding. No matter what he said to me there was nothing that would change what I felt. I enforced a moratorium on all communication. 
We went from texting each other all day everyday to complete silence. I couldn't communicate with him. Nope, not for me.

About a month after this initial conversation, we attempted to have dinner together. It went so well, I will forever refer to it as sushigeddon. I started out nasty and ended up sobbing into the wasabi. You got the picture. 

We had knowingly entered into this unorthodox friendship/relationship where one of us dammit was going to get hurt. As my dear friend had predicted this FWB thing would eventually end and it was going to be torture. Did I hate to "give him right"? YUP!  Over dinner one night shortly after sushigeddon, he said to me that originally, when he told me the FWB was a giant MISTAKE,  he instinctively knew that I would jump right in without a life jacket.

This was a true break up and the velocity of the emotions that I felt was unexpected. We were so enmeshed in each other's lives that I was completely unmoored and was struggling to work through it all.

Marty just wanted me not to freak out and he also, didn't want to lose his best friend, who was me. Was this doable? Who knew?

Over the course of these many months, we are slowly coming to a place that works for both of us. We can still make each other laugh, hang out and be silly. For sure.

So the horizontal cha cha...What do you think? Are we still "dancing"?  Judging from what you  have read, you know that answer. What can I tell you? Chemistry is combustible.

On another note, I've been dating and really enjoying it. I've actually had a few dates with a really lovely man and my attitude is positive and upbeat. Do I still feel sad sometimes over what was, I would be lying if I said no.

Marty and I have had several kerfluffles about my meeting the GF which he is adamant about not doing.  Why?  Am not  really sure  but on some levels, I do get it. Recently,  he laid down the gauntlet that when I have a BF, then we can all go out together. To say that I was less than amused would be a mild understatement. Legit, I really want to meet her and not just because I have that annoying need to know. The want to know compelled me to find out a little bit about her.  I have googled her so I do know what she looks like etc. Ok, stop rolling your eyeballs, all of you would have done the same thing.

So the takeaway from this melodrama is that  if you ever decide to try the FWB route, beware of the emotional minefields along the road of which there are many.

Remember, all is fair in love, war and friends with benefits. Breaking up with a "friend" is oh so hard to do.

PS, My name is Ellen and I am a recovering friend with benefits.


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