Will He do IT again?

At this point and perhaps, before this time, we have learned what emotional intelligence is. Roughly translated from Psychology Today, I kid you  not,  it's the ability to harness one's emotions and apply them to tasks such as  problem solving. It's being able to manage emotions which includes regulating your own emotions and the emotions of others. Don't buy all of it but some of it spot on. 

Ok, before you panic and/or nod off, Sixty is not driving on the shrink highway but I am driving on a slightly different path. 

Let's say you have been dating a really nice guy. Not only is he nice, doesn't live with his mother, makes you laugh and can ring your bell in the bedroom, most importantly, he's a caring, giving, loving and kind gentleman. Perfect, hardly. Only one person can be perfect in a relationship and of course, that's you or me. Wink, wink!

You've been dating for awhile and as one gets more involved all kinds of things get discussed including the dreaded ex files: his and yours. I don't really go in for revealing every revolting fact about my marriage and will be honest but spare the guy and myself the gross details. 

Now, Mr pretty damn great reveals to you that he was unfaithful to his wife. Now, big woop, so many men step out on their wives so no red lights blare YET. Now, not condoning infidelity but it's not shocking. PUHLEEZE, if you think it is,  you're more than entitled to your thoughts but as the late, great Joan Rivers would say, GROW UP or in today's vernacular, "ADULT UP". 

###Sidebar: men are unfaithful in several ways. The worst kind in my book and I think in anyone's book is the serial philanderer. This is the man who is not just unfaithful once in some drunken haze on a business trip, or is the kind who has one relationship realizes the error of his ways or more likely has gotten caught and never does it again because he's afraid of being smothered in his sleep by his  wife.

Nope, this is the guy who can completely compartmentalize his life and have married land and then a life with a woman and in  many cases over the course of his marriage, several long standing relationships and he doesn't stop, mostly because he doesn't want to. He, too, will most likely get caught when he outsmarts himself and the wife takes off her blinders.

Guess who Mr. Pretty Great is? Yup, you win the prize. He is one of the worst kinds of philanderers. It usually takes awhile to get this out of this kind of man but I have a very specific awareness of this guy because I was involved with one such guy. 

 First, when he was still married to his wife and then through his divorce to us living together for years. We had a fabulous life and I was convinced that I was "it" and he would never screw around on me, now would he? 

The answer is of course he would. Why not? Now that may sound callus or cavalier but it was  anything but that, trust me. Firstly, I hope that anyone who has been cuckolded knows that the affair your hubby is having is often not about you or even your relationship. What it's about is the inability for someone to be faithful to anyone. Now interestingly, this man and many like him like and want the accouterments of marriage. Of course, they do. It's called having your cake and eating it, too. Oy God, am sweating just writing about this.

MY Mr serial philanderer traveled a lot for business and also, had many late night meetings.Wait, that sounds familiar like what he told his wife when he was with me and probably all of my predecessors. Now mind you, he did really travel for business. How can I verify that because I often went along with him on these business trips. Yes, there was business but there was lots of monkey business going on, too,  and shopping. Of course, there was. 

I don't know what set me off one day but I had a moment of complete clarity and realized that I was getting done to me what I had been complicit in doing to another woman. Shit, karma is a bitch, ain't it? I had the inordinate need to know every little thing so precipitated by my own insatiable curiosity I started snooping around just to further verify what I already knew. Was I right about him? Of course, I was. 

Did I freak out? Sure I did but never to him. I just decided to hunker down and continue my sleuthing and to enjoying my otherwise, perfect little life that we had constructed together. GEEZ, what was I thinking? How about thinking had nothing to do with any of this. 

Anyway, we continued on for quite a long time with me vacillating between complete quiet hysteria and total denial. Very healthy/NOT.

The relationship ended with a bang that took me years to get over but not because of his infidelities, believe it or not but because we differed on having a baby. Me/want, him/not want. The End. 

OK. What in hell kind of person was I to do this to another woman you irate women are saying? I have no excuses other than I was a very young and angry kid and didn't think of consequences, which is more than disgusting but alas, can't change it now. 

Of course, I knew that I was doing something wrong but I just continued on doing it. And that be that. 

Now segue forward all these years later, this man and I have stayed friends and we've never discussed any of this. Right after we broke up, was the only time I ever brought it up. Interesting, not really but whatever. 

So back to "current" Mr pretty great. First of all, he doesn't exist in my life right now but I know he's out there and involved with lots of women just like all of us. 

If this Mr Pretty Great came into my life now and I found out about his proclivities, my reaction would not be that of the little, lost, young girl  of close to 40  years ago. HELLS TO THE NO. First of all, I'm not a self absorbed young twit anymore and would NEVER  do that to another woman. Second, I was someone's wife and had a husband who was unfaithful. Lastly, I like myself now and know that I deserve a real relationship and have grown up and why would I want someone who couldn't keep his johnson in his pants. 
###yup, i have wanted to say that vomitus expression for years and now i did and now, i never will again. LOL

So,  Mr Pretty Great would really be Mr. Shit Head and out on his not so sweet little ass and I would be sad for a nanosecond because he was Mr Pretty Great but he really wasn't, now was he?

TAKEAWAY: Each and every one of us if we are at all honest have done things that we shouldn't have. Now, as "grown ups", as "ADULTS" we know better. With all the emotional intelligence we have now gained, we would realize that we would be wasting our f'in time chasing down someone who was never going to be really there for us in the most important fundamental way. 

Take heart, there is Mr. Pretty Great out there and you never know when he's going to show up? So smile, keep dancing and remember put on lipstick whenever you leave the house!!!

Comments

  1. I too am no longer willing to do some of the foolish things that I did when I was younger. I would like to credit this to maturity, emotional intelligence, and wisdom but sometimes I think that these are the words that I use to make myself feel good about diminished desire.
    When I was young, it was my powerful desire for women that overrode my logical thinking and compelled me to consume time and resources, take risks, endure dismcomfort and hardship, and confront competitors in my pursuit.
    Today I am still highly interested in women but it is much easier for me to logically evaluate them and pass on ones that have marginal detractions or require significant effort.
    I credit this ability to the wisdom that I have developed but I do miss having the powerful desire of the past that would have compelled me to do something stupid for a woman.

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