Great Expectations or were they?

We've all walked down that primrose path of thinking something is real and it really isn't. Ok, not clear. Will try again. For the last several months, I have mentioned a "person of interest" and there was or so I thought.

I met this man the old fashioned way via introduction from a very old friend. He was great on paper. Sweet guy, funny and all that jazz. So where's the issue? I thought that there wasn't but what do I know? 

Should back it up by saying that the thought of meeting someone and dating someone without having to go through the on line dating doo doo dance somewhat clouded my judgement. Self admittedly a tentative dater, yeah, sixty tentative, this was on its face pretty damned good.

First date was a lot of fun. Easy conversation. Very honest and genuine. All good. We went on another date and it was the same drill. Nice date, lots of fun, not too much romance but nice kiss goodbye and off i went thinking, well, I've met someone nice and I didn't have to work for it sitting corkscrewed to my chair reading profiles. PHEW!!! I used that word "nice" purposely as there was no za za zhou but whatever or so I thought. 

By the 3rd or 4th date, he was inviting me to his childhood country home for the weekend. What could be bad with that? The setting and the house was absolutely drop dead gorge. Sixty was in home territory and rocking it. 
He took me on a walking tour of the house that btw, had 4 acres of waterfront property and I was packing my bags, am moving in. Hell, a girl can dream and you know I love a little fantasy.

As we walked through, we stopped at a bedroom and he turned to me and said this is your room. Well, if my mouth fell open, I wouldn't be surprised. I was somewhat dumbfounded and not a little pissed. As he was showing me the amenities of the room of which there were many, I blurted out that I thought that I would be sleeping with him to which he responded that I was being presumputuous. Hmm, never heard that one. 

Too dumbstruck to make a parade, I silently followed him through the house like some kind of nervous poodle. We sat by the fire and canoodled a little and then we retired to our separate rooms. For the first 10 minutes, I was furious as WTF? If he wasn't into me,  then why did he bring me to his home? 
Then this voice kicked in and said, you moron, you've been waiting your whole life for a man who saw all of you and  didn't just see the proverbial famous pork chop dangling from my neck and pouncing. 

Then again, I was down for a good pouncing but it wasn't meant to be. Other than that, we had a really nice weekend. No fireworks but ok, no fireworks.

I should put the brakes on immediately and mention that this man had lost his wife 2 years before and he just didn't sprinkle her name in conversation. She was part of almost every conversation. ALERT ALERT but I chose to shrug that aside. Grief is tough and they had been together for decades so compassion was in order. That he wasn't finished grieving was no suprise but was he really ready for a relationship?
The other thing is that he had recently broken up with another woman whom he readily admitted that he really was crazy about. NOW RED ALERT RED ALERT.

When I came home from this weekend, I reached out to my dating maven who happens to be a man as I wanted his perspective. He, too, had been widowed so he really got the whole enchilada. BTW, we used to date but that is not relevant. Anyway, he looked at me like I had lost my mind and said the separate bedrooms was really WEIRD and there had to be some issues and he wasn't talking about the plumbing kind. Not satisfied with that answer because it wasn't the one I wanted to hear, I asked another male friend whose spin was exactly the same. Feh on both of them...Who wants to hear truth when fantasy beats reality every time. In my head, I knew that they were right but...

What was I thinking and where was my usually very acute brain? Clearly in some alternative universe but whatever. He took me out for brunch for my birthday and brought me flowers and was just lovely. Was he perfect??Hardly but nice nice nice. 

Anyway, shortly after that, he got embroiled in some family business stuff and was never available. I was still on the apps so it wasn't that I was sitting at home like a wall flower waiting for him to call. I checked in with him as I actually felt badly for him as he was being put through the ringer. The one time that I mentioned getting together over the summer, he told me he couldn't deal with the pressure. Huh?

OK SIXTY THE DOOR?? OVER THERE?? Anyway, I was still not getting it. He was still in my head. Now, was I crazy about him? I liked him and kept on convincing myself that he was a nice man going through a rough patch and I should be "nice" and not being a pain in the ass. HELLO, asking someone whom you have been on and off dating to get together is not being annoying. It's not pressure it's an f'in question that begged to be answered.

Anyway, I proceeded shopping on the sites and going on dates none of which meant anything but I wasn't pining away. I did say that already so maybe I was just a little.

What really was it? In a nutshell, I was hoping that flawed and all, he was it and my job was done. Geez, sixty, your mother is rolling around in her grave,. She raised one smart cookie. WHERE WAS I? 

Anyway, he interminttently kept calling and finally he called and asked if I would like to have dinner. Sure, I said and why not friday night. No, the weekend is not good says he. How about Tuesday? ANOTHER RED RED RED FLAG but now I was damned curious and starting to be really annoyed. I actually asked somewhat facetiously if he was dating a lot of women to which he replied no. OK, buddy, I thought, this was the last time at the rodeo unless I saw a clear difference and some willing ness to move forward.

He picked me up, nice kiss and we drove off. BTW,  he is not a city person and views coming into the city as almost as complicated as planning an amphibious landing in europe. We got to the restaurant and chatted easily as we had from jump street. 
Right after the first few sips of some very mediocre wine, alright now, am picking but the hell with it. As I am ready to take sip 3, he tells me that he has been back with the woman whom he broke up with right before he started seeing me.

I was dumbfounded as that was not what I was expecting.  But now, gloves off, but with great poise and just a smidgen of annoyance,   I asked why did he bother asking me out and wouldn't it have been the best thing to do to give me this info on the phone. 
I don't need the free eats with a side of aggravation. He opined about how much he liked me and blah blah blah. Was I heartbroken? Nah, not in the least bit. What I was was disappointed that my little fantasy  hadn't played out as I would have liked.

What's the takeaway? I'm polishing up my profile and actually going to go back on at least one of the sites. I did not invest a lot of emotional capital in him so it's not like I have to go to the mattresses like Vito Corleone in The Godfather. Just dust myself off and move forward.

The most important lesson learned and not for the first time was: LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN to that inner voice. It's there for a reason. 

My girlfriend thinks that he will be back but with eyes wide open, not interested. Never been a fan of someone else's sloppy seconds. 

It was a nice fantasy but reality with a terrific guy is much more satisfying on every level.

BTW, I promise that I will NOT be using the word NICE anytime soon. LOL 






Comments

  1. This is a great story. Thank you.
    One of the marks of a good story is that it causes you to think and I have been trying to think of a reasonable explanation for the way this man acted.
    One possible explanation is that he is gay but that is highly unlikely. At this age, gay guys are pretty up front about who they are and are careful not to mislead women about their desires and intentions.
    A more likely explanation is that he has a very low testosterone level. With low testosterone, a guy will still socially identify himself as heterosexual but will have zero sexual interest and desire for women. I have experienced this myself : the total lack of sexual tension was very peaceful and the neutralization of a woman's natural power to make me do things was very liberating. All this went away after starting testosterone replacement therapy but I prefer a life filled with desire and tension.
    Thank you for sharing this story.

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