Friday afternoon musings/1st summer weekend...
Does anyone meet someone whom she likes and feel a little terrified? Ok, to clarify, I am not talking about physical safety. That should also, include emotional battering but...
What I'm talking about is that we all profess the desire to meet someone with whom to share our lives. It sounds so good on paper. Well, I do very much want someone in my life but and this is the but, it's also very scary to me.
Why is that? Where do I begin? At the risk of writing something as long as a doctoral dissertation, I will de-meander/new word and get to the point.
To allow someone into my life is something that I have always had difficulty doing. There's literally a push/pull playing in my head. Part of me is going WOOHOOO, a great guy, who is kind and loving, fun, good cha cha and the rest of the "important laundry list" and yah, no more dating. All good.
The other part of me is ready to run the other way. WTH??? Deer in the headlights, yup. I consider myself to be a brave woman, like many or most of you out there. We've all had challenges some more than others but hopefully, we've managed to put it together. Hell, we're still here and I'm proud of the fact that I'm a survivor. SO HELLOOOOOOOOOOOO !
Yup, sixty scared. Why, because what happens if it doesn't work?? OK, in my quest to stay present why in hell am I thinking 10 steps ahead of me. Sheer terror of getting hurt. Along with that, comes my feeling that I am going to lose my autonomy and blah blah blah. Sheesh, could I let myself breathe and be happy? YES!!!
So what had been Sixty's pattern is to blow up several relationships because the gent was getting too close. Things come out of my mind and out of my mouth like word vom and after I've said them, I want to drag them back. It's not the go to hell kind of thing, it's nitpicking, not being as kind as I should be etc. Get the picture? OY, just writing it is gagalicious. Anyone guilty of the same pattern??
What happens is eventually I push hard enough and the guy is gone either by choice or because I've sent him packing.
So now, with great trepidation, I'm taking baby steps into maybe a relationship. Not using the "B" word yet nor will I or maybe I will. At 60 plus, that word sounds just plain stupid. Gentleman caller, nah, too Tennessee Williams. Partner a little sterile. Will cross that proverbial bridge when I get to it.
One of the most important things to me is feeling safe and comfortable. The bad boy thing, which I have dallied with on more than one occasion gives you the exact opposite feelings. One feels off kilter and basically, not loved in the way we all deserve to be loved.
NO MORE. I'm doing my best not to follow my decades old pattern because sabotaging a possible relationship is just beyond stupid. Sorry for the use of that very simple word but it fits. Forrest Gump said it, Stupid is as stupid does.
You think that this is easy for me or for many of us? Even when presented with Mr. Good Guy, I'm tamping down my big mouth and trying to be aware of W.A.I.T. Get it? WHY AM I TALKING and am not speaking about my usual loquaciousness. Am talking about what I've already described being testy, nitpicking etc etc etc.
So there you go, sixty is behaving like a grown up. I would say about damn time. It's scary and fun at the same time but am giving it a whirl because if not now, when?
On the flip side, I could fall in love with one of the alta cockers in the nursing home when I'm 90 but I want it all NOW.
That's my musings on a Friday afternoon. By the way, I'm making this all sound as scintillating as root canal. It REALLY IS EXCITING and real fun and am giving myself the permission to go for it.
Stay tuned and keep dancing! xo